This was not what I had in mind

Disclaimer : A little bit of personal ranting, may not be of much interest to readers. Except those who might be feeling the same way. And the sad thing is, I know there are many.

In the April of 2008, everything seemed to be closing up and I seemed to have reached a dead end. Those B-School admission results were pouring in and none of them favourable. It was not as if I was disgruntled with my job or frustrated or that I hated my life then. Just that I had made up my mind that I had to move on, chase “higher dreams”, and follow “higher aspirations”. And I did not have the stomach to attempt CAT once more. And in a bout of self righteous ethics, I hadn’t bothered to keep my plans private from my superiors. So no admission meant – “screwed”.

Hence it came as a pleasant surprise, more a relief when I got the news of admission to IIM-K. For, the interview was not the best and realistically my chances were miniscule. I remember I got the news when I was on the shop floor, supervising the pilot production of a new model.

If anybody had asked me then, I could not have detailed out those aspirations. Was a pretty sketchy idea. But in my mind I was sure that it would be good. How could it not be?

All the excitement and euphoria about a new thing followed, especially when it was to be a so called “IIM”. Where I’ll get to meet the best people in the country. And where everyone else is dying to get into. The first term was fun. The novelty and the new people and the challenge of something that was said to be “challenging”. The second term was fun too, infact it was great in more than one way. But it was mostly downhill thereafter. Yes, I met a lot of great people. Yes, got to learn a lot of things, academically and non academically. Yes, I have discovered more of myself. Have broadened my perspective about a lot of things, and life in general. And I have learnt a lot about working with people. Made good friends. Worked in some absolutely great teams. But undeniably the enthusiasm levels kept coming down as the terms progressed. A little bit of rough weather here and there did not help either. So much so that it has set me thinking now, at the end of term 5, with one term to go.

This was not what I had in mind when I started off in June 2008. Look at a single point metric..I' m not sure I'm "happier" now than I was then. Has to be listed down as a failure on my part because clarity of thought is one of the few things I pride myself upon.

Now the thing is I’m not used to it. I’ve never have had to think too much in life. Never have had to be bothered about many things. Or in short, never been really disgruntled or disillusioned. It’s always been a smooth straight road, with an odd speedbreaker at the max. And there have been no crossroads! The closest was when I’d failed to get into an IIT, but that was very short lived, and did not result in too much thought.

I’m hoping it’s just a teeny weeny something-induced transient phase and I get back to my non-thinking-nothing-matters-happy best soon. And I hope the next couple of months bring something good for all of us. And I get to write a great happy-teary farewell blog..the way it is supposed to be!